♫”I think we’re alone now…”♫

I’m tired. Really tired. I should have written hours ago when I had the mojo going. I have a tough time with motivation once it gets past a certain time. I think I’m just ineffective between 5-9pm, which oddly enough, is when I am “on” at my regular job of bartending. Mentally I feel vacant, and it’s probably from the large quantity of cheese I just ate, and some chips, and some ham steak. Can you say ‘random’? No wonder my stomach is a little sour. I got some news earlier this evening that my boss is stepping down to take a different role with our company. His reasons are great, to spend much more time with his family, have some normalcy, to be a more present dad. For that I am happy for him, as we are also longtime friends. I’m sad though, we’ve been a team for so long with our unofficial “contract” to always work together. I guess its not really ending, I just have figure out how to get the next GM to bend to my will and let me get away with murder.

I have my office assistant, Thor, assessing my progress and watching my every move. Thor is also my one-year old giant kitten. Okay, I realize he’s not really a kitten anymore, but he grew so big so fast, he’s my giant kitten forever. I lost his brother, my Loki, a little over a month ago to FIP, which if you don’t know what that is as a cat owner or lover, look it up. It’s horrible. Absolutely horrible, a fast-moving wasting disease not unlike AIDS but on fast-forward. My sweet little king was gone in a month from diagnosis, and I am far from recovered from losing him. See, less than a year earlier I lost Omar, my greatest love, also another boy cat. Another black male cat, I love black cats. Omar passed from we finally realized was GI (gastrointestinal) cancer, after several years of battling IBD (irritable bowel disease). He was not yet five years old. I spent every minute I wasn’t at work watching his every move, spending every dollar on vet bills, a sonogram, the highest quality diet, litter, etc. Losing him took a very large piece of me. I don’t have human kids, I have cat kids, and losing them has shaken me to my very core. I am not the same, and I have recognized something very valuable has changed in me, about me. Losing two very precious babies had caused me to retract into myself, be more cautious of others, and I feel myself receding from normal human interactions. They just don’t satisfy me any longer, don’t hold the weight they once did. For those who don’t understand this type of feeling for an animal, I am not judging you, we are all different. I don’t think my writing is for you however, my thoughts, my feelings.

I am happy to be off from work, at home, with just my two remaining cats for love and company. Thor, my office assistant mentioned above, and Betty, my office manager, and best friend of ten years. My new ‘office’ is really the enclosed sunporch with my former patio furniture for a desk and chair. Swanky, I know. There’s a lovely trout waiting for me to sauté, potatoes I will roast and most certainly overeat, and a bottle of red.

Sadly, not a screw top. Quelle horreur!

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